Introduction
While love has long been seen as unpredictable, dictated by fate or chemistry, psychologists have spent decades studying the mechanics behind human connection. Their findings suggest that love isn’t always as spontaneous as it seems. Instead, it follows patterns—ones we can, to some extent, control. If falling in love is a process, could we, by carefully replicating its steps, lead our brains to believe the feelings are real?
From Strangers to Lovers
In 1997, psychologists Arthur Aron and his colleagues designed an experiment to test whether humans could, through a certain procedure, feel closer to one another. To do so, they designed a study in which, in one group, pairs of strangers sat face-to-face and answered a set of 36 carefully crafted questions. These questions were divided into three parts, starting with ones asking about surface-level facts (ex. “Would you like to be famous?”) before moving toward deeper topics (ex. “What is your most treasured memory?”) and, finally, to very personal topics (ex. “When did you last cry in front of another person?”). On the other hand, a control group had pairs of strangers sitting face-to-face and engaging in casual conversation.
The results were striking. Compared to the control group, those who completed the 36-question exercise reported significantly higher feelings of closeness. Many described a profound emotional bond, even though they had only met minutes before. Some even experienced the same physiological response seen in early stages of romantic attraction, such as synchronized heart rates. The experiment was so effective, in fact, that one pair went on to marry.
To try out the 36 Questions experiment, go to this pdf link and, for best results, maintain eye contact for 4 minutes after finishing all the questions.
How it Works
Each of the 36 Questions’ three sets serves a distinct psychological purpose.
Set I
The first set of questions brushes on light, not-so-personal topics. They include prompts like “Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say?” and “What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?”
This phase serves two key functions. First, it creates a sense of safety, allowing participants to warm up to each other without feeling overly exposed. Second, it establishes a rhythm of reciprocity, where each person shares an equal amount of not-too-revealing information about themselves, setting the stage for a deeper reveal in the future. Psychologically, this mirrors the natural progression of a developing friendship or romantic relationship, where we begin with surface-level topics before delving into personal territory.
Set II
The second set of questions increases in depth, asking participants to share more meaningful aspects of themselves. They include “What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?” and “What do you value most in a friendship?”
This stage ventures into self-disclosure, which is essential for deepening relationships. When we reveal something more personal, it signals trust, and when our partner responds with empathy, it strengthens that trust. These questions also trigger a positive feedback loop: the more we share, the more we feel understood, and the more we are inclined to continue sharing. In addition, as participants reveal personal stories, they often discover shared experiences, values, or emotions. Even when differences exist, the act of listening and responding fosters emotional closeness. This can create a psychological illusion of deep connection, even if the two have only known each other for a short time.
Set III
By the final set of questions, the conversation has moved beyond casual conversation into pure emotional honesty. This set includes prompts like “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?” and “ If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?”
This stage works by triggering mutual vulnerability, which is a key ingredient in forging close relationships. When two individuals go through an intense emotional experience together, such as through sharing deeply personal information about themselves, their connection strengthens. The brain releases oxytocin, sometimes called the “bonding hormone,” which fosters feelings of trust and attachment. As a result, a genuine emotional closeness forms that can, at times, mimic the early stages of falling in love.
Manufacturing Love
At first glance, the idea of engineered love might seem artificial, but in reality, it aligns with the natural development of human connection. The 36 Questions simply speeds through the process, acting as a psychological shortcut that simulates, over a span of 45 minutes, the kind of deep, meaningful conversations that would normally unfold over weeks or months in a budding relationship.
At its roots, the 36 Questions brings people closer. If love depends on emotional closeness, then creating that closeness can, at the very least, set the stage for romance to unfold.
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