Block Scheduling to End Next Week, Replaced with 7-Hour Periods

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Admin ditches block scheduling, pushes for a single 7-hour period.

This Monday, the administration decided to abandon block scheduling for the ’21-’22 school year. After a strong two-month run, the Board of Education ruled the rotating-block plan to be “too confusing.”

In its place, the admin will implement a single seven-hour period. “Good!” says Mr. Ziccardi (history teacher & rococo enthusiast). He could not be reached for further commentary beyond the one-word interjection. Mr. Doniloski is very excited about this change. “Weight room,” he says. “Getting jacked on a Tuesday.”

Earlier this week, Kinnelon School District made a similar switch to seven-hour blocks. “I love getting paid five times as much,” states Jim Nelson, principal, vice-principal, history teacher, math teacher, and child wrangler at Kinnelon. “They tore down all the walls in the school to make one giant classroom, and then lumped the kids into that room.” Nelson loves teaching history and calculus to the “Kinnelearners” (the school has abandoned grade levels from K-12). Today, nap time will be 55 minutes long, followed by storytime. The book will be “Hop on Pop: AP Edition.” Insider reports claim there will be no tinkle breaks during storytime. Furthermore, that one kid who peed his pants in 3rd Grade told Mr. Nelson that I stole his stupid firetruck toy, but suddenly when I lock him in the closet, I’m the bad guy.

At Mountain Lakes High School, things will be run very differently. With an active commitment to excellence, tests will now be five hours long. Any student caught cheating will be barbecued alive. They will have thirty seconds to plead for mercy before they are burned at the stake. Freshmen will be cooked medium-rare, for their flesh is tender enough to be reused as hamburger meat.

The woods near the high school, where students will hunt for their food and possibly build shelters for the cold, unforgiving winter.

Speaking of food, is your mouth watering? I know mine is! With seven-hour periods, students will be permitted to enter the woods and forage for food from 12:00 to 12:30. Seniors will still have their senior privileges: they will get to eat the juicier, riper, less poisonous berries.

Still hungry? Dessert will be plutonium chunks from the boiler room. “They’re good for your health,” asserts one janitor, who appears to emit a faint orange glow.

Overall, the decision has been met with overwhelming support. There was that one guy at the board meeting who got up and started talking about “public safety” and “our kids’ health,” but clearly he’s never experienced the thrill of hand-to-hand combat during seven-hour Study Halls.