Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve surely heard about the Mountain Lakes and Boonton Township Girls Sportsball Team winning the ball kick semi-finals. They made sports-kicking history this season, and they deserved it. The sportsball players had been working hard, kicking lots of balls, and doing lots of sports every day at their ball sport rehearsals. Before we further discuss this glorious victory, however, you should first know a little bit about the history of girls sportsball in Mountain Lakes as well as in America.
Sportsball was first introduced in Great Britain in the Middle Ages. Back then, the game wasn’t played with normal “soccer balls”: the players would actually behead criminals and then use rubber balls to play the game. The game was invented by Henry Sportsball, a man who despised immigrants of all kinds. The tables turned on Mr. Sportsball, however, when he ended up being forced to become an immigrant himself after leaving Britain due to the Great Tomato Famine.
In 1792, Henry Sportsball moved to America, married a thirteen-year-old howler monkey, and introduced the game of Sportsball to America. Americans adopted the game, but gave it a different name because they thought “Sportsball” sounded too British. They named it what we know it as today: ball kick. Ball kick became very popular, but unfortunately women were not allowed to play. The 1700s were a time of widespread sexism – women weren’t even allowed to drive cars back then! Still, many women formed secret underground ball-kicking clubs, waiting for the day they would be able to play it in public.
It wasn’t until the Progressive Movement of the late 1800s and early 1900s that women began to push for the right to play ball kick. The National Association of Women for Sportsball (they used sportsball instead of ball kick in the name because NAWS sounds cooler than NAWBK) started gaining membership and national attention in the mid-1890s. They fought for legislation that would allow women to play ball kick, and they also wanted to abolish sour cream because it’s stupid and it doesn’t taste like anything; it’s just a bunch of white flavorless cream and it’s cold and pointless.
In 1901, NAWS activists assassinated the president, took over the government, established Communism, and ratified the Second Amendment, which gave women the right to play sportsball – finally! Women’s Sportsball didn’t become a part of the ‘Lympics until 1996, because it took several decades for the rest of the world to stop hating women. Some time between 1912 and 2017, girls sportsball became an official sport here in Mountain Lakes.
On November 9, 2017, the MLBT Girls Ball Kicking team won the Group 1 Title 1 District 1 Section 1 State 1 Chapter 1 Act 1 Movement 1 Measure 1 Line 1 Semi-finals against the Waldwick Warthogs. This was an extremely triumphant moment for the team and for the town, and a bunch of photos were released of them hugging each other and stuff. This meant they would advance to the Intergalactic Sportsball Championship against the Glen Ridge Nihilists.
The winner of this match would receive a sixty-million dollar prize to be donated to the charity of their choice. On November 14, the Lakers faced off against Glen Ridge, but unfortunately they weren’t strong enough to withstand the opposing team’s telekinetic powers. A bunch of photos were released of the Glen Ridge Nihilists celebrating and looking all smug and snobby. If Mountain Lakes had won, they would have donated the sixty-million dollar prize to the St. Jude’s Hospital to help end childhood cancer. The Glen Ridge team planned to donate their sixty-million dollar prize to Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. Fortunately, the Glen Ridge Nihilists lost to their long-time rivals, the Cleveland Steamships, in the Inter-Dimensional Championships.
I recently interviewed two members of the MLBT Girls Sportsball Team: Lea Credidio, the Secretary of Homeland Security, and Nina Calderone, the Air Defense Artillery Officer. They’re both seniors, and since this was their last kick-the-ball season, I asked each of them what their favorite part of their entire sportsball experience was. “I love everyone on the ball kick team,” said Lea Credidio, “they were the best part.”
Nina Calderone decided that her favorite part was “hanging out with everyone on the team because it was such a great group of girls . . . Everyone was a part of the team and everyone loved each other” (All occurrences of the word “like” were removed from the previous quotes). It is clear that the members of the girls ball kicking team formed a permanent bond of friendship and camaraderie that they will never forget.
Here at Mountain Lakes High School we can hardly express how thankful we are that the ball kickers are risking their lives to fight for our rights and our freedom every day. We are proud to have them represent our magnificent school.
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