Here is an assortment of Christmas albums, deemed favorites by either myself or the general consensus, ordered by increasing levels of chaos and intensity. (Exactly the energy I’m sure you, nameless and mysterious reader, are looking for this holiday season). Please be warned that as you make your way to the top 3 on this list, you should only use these in the case of a true emergency/matter of national security; such as when an argument about politics, “Central” Jersey, Taylor Swift, or “Pork Roll” versus “Taylor Ham” breaks out.
10. Christmas Songs by Sinatra – Frank Sinatra
This one is a classic. Vintage Christmas is definitely an aesthetic admired by the masses, and Mr. Sinatra’s soothing voice paired with the retro instrumentals is an experience that everybody and their mom (and dad, and grandparents, and siblings, and neighbors, and friends, and dog) love. This album will never ruin your family dinner. In fact, you will likely be praised for playing it and your older relatives will be impressed by your exquisite taste.
9. Christmas – Michael Bublé
Coming in at number nine, this is a modern classic. After all, what is Bublé if not the Sinatra of our time? I believe he is known mainly for this album and for “Feeling Good.” The album is calm, soothing, and truly embodies the Christmas spirit of family and togetherness. Bublé could never ruin your family dinner, but only your self-confidence as you realize that you will likely never be as talented at what you do as Bublé is at singing. The only scandal this album will cause is your mother asking if Michael Bublé is single or not.
8. The Best of Pentatonix Christmas – Pentatonix
This album may cause a little bit of a stir, but only with a positive connotation. My parents still do not quite grasp the concept of A Capella, and claim that “they had to use instruments for that beat!” Every. Time. They are impressed, but skepticism always lingers. Your family will likely spend more time talking about how it’s impossible that they used no instruments than they will about politics, so this album may, in fact, save your Christmas get-together from ruining itself!
7. Glee: The Music, The Christmas Album – Glee Cast
Oh boy. Here is where things get interesting. I admit that I am a gleek. In fact, the show was a major part of my development and definitely shaped my middle school experience. The Christmas album is good. Great, even. However, trying to explain the show to your relatives who ask about the artist will be an… interesting conversation, to say the least. The utter chaos of the show, with its messy plot and questionable characters, was heightened during the Christmas episodes, and those plotlines would likely cause some concern at the dinner table.
6. Merry Christmas – Mariah Carey
This is an interesting one. Not the album itself, but the reason for where I have placed it on this list. Of course, no one in your family will be offended by the “Queen of Christmas’s” album. However, I personally would be driven mad by the retail bops on this album, seeing as this album has been diagnosed with the chronic condition of being overplayed. I cannot help but feel like I’ve been transported back to a Kohl’s on a Tuesday afternoon in 2009, every time I hear this album. If this were played at Christmas dinner, I may wreak havoc as a direct result of clinical insanity. All I want for Christmas is refuge from Carey’s Christmas album.
5. Christmas Kisses – Ariana Grande
This album is a personal favorite during this time of year, but a few of the tracks do fall into the trap of being retail bops you hear while Black Friday shopping. This will most likely pass with your family at dinner, but some people enjoy expressing their hatred for modern pop, and will begin pop Christmas albums. Likely the older members of your family will not enjoy this album, in all its girlboss glory, and will instead talk everyone at the table’s heads off about how the old songs were so much better than the “trash on the radio these days.”
4. Christmas With Weezer – Weezer
Here we’re starting to get into the genre of Christmas music that your family will find upsetting. While this is technically a rock album, it’s Weezer, so you will likely mostly face ridicule from other members of Gen Z, and possibly your mother. Weezer stays true to the original music of Christmas, but just adds a LOT of guitar and drums on top. Your dad and his friends will probably enjoy this album, while your mother will tell you that her head hurts from all this noise. But you will only smile, because you will have the following albums up your sleeve to cause as much chaos as possible.
3. Christmas Drag – I Don’t Know How But They Found Me
I LOVE this album. Truly a masterpiece, and I look forward to this time of year just to listen to this album in specific. Everybody should indulge in the perfection of this album. However, judging by the fact that I listen to a lot of Mitski, Fiona Apple, Radiohead, and Snail Mail, that probably is not a sound recommendation for the more positive folks reading this article. The song “Oh Noel” in particular is my favorite off the album and an original by the band. It is melancholy, authentic, and most importantly, will leave everybody at Christmas lachrymose. In short, this will do the job, but your family will be disheartened rather than angry.
2. All I Want for Christmas – My Chemical Romance
This is actually a song, not a whole album. Still, I had to include it, because even as a singular track, it would single handedly ruin Christmas dinner. The eardrums of everyone at dinner over the age of 50 are at risk if you play this absolute banger at full volume. Now, I am not encouraging the ruining of Christmas dinner. This article is purely theoretical, and you should definitely NOT play this song bass boosted whenever someone brings up politics at the table. *cough* Every member of your family will criticize Gerard’s vocals in this song, as he is screaming for most of it. Your parents may also vow to never take you to Hot Topic again, if that is a risk you’re willing to take.
1. August Burns Red Presents: Sleddin’ Hill, A Holiday Album – August Burns Red
Alas, here we are. The most head-banging, intense, hardcore Christmas album on this list. Guaranteed is this: your entire family WILL turn to dust upon hearing this album at full volume while eating mashed potatoes. The insanely intricate guitar, along with the restless drumming provides for a very heavy album. Personally, I think that “Carol of the Bells” is actually quite a masterfully done rendition of the song, and should be the track to begin with if you want to ease your guests into the intensity of this album. However, if you are feeling particularly devious, you may want to start with “Frosty the Snowman” or “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” as a slap across the face to your guests.
And here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody’s having fun! That is, until your uncle has a little too much eggnog and brings up something controversial; then, you might have to skip from the Glee album down to the MCR song. Do what you will with the extremely valuable information I have bestowed upon you this holiday season. Let’s just hope your family lets you DJ again next year.
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