With Christmas just around the corner, every single kid in town has their stocking or tree prim and set, waiting to be piled with Christmas presents galore. And it’s that wonderfully merry time of year when you might be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of everyone’s favorite jolly old Anarcho-Communist, Santa Claus.
Yes, you read that right. According to thorough research and analysis of his governmental style, political beliefs, values, and heritage, we can confirm that jolly old St. Nick is a commie, an anarcho-communist to be exact. But how on earth did we reach such a conclusion about this (literally) bearded Marxist?
For starters, Claus has successfully established a centrally planned economy for the production and distribution of presents. Thousands upon thousands of elves living in the North Pole work in the gift manufacturing industry, which includes a wide variety of building, painting, and magical synthesis jobs. With this industry entirely owned by the state and run by Kringle himself, each and every elf is a worker for the state, a feature incredibly communist in nature. We have also concluded that the North Polish Bourgeoisie have effectively been eliminated; every elf house is approximately the same size, each one with similar property values and living spaces, and all of them being built of the same quality gingerbread. The Proletariat thrives within the environment Claus has created.
Note also that upon inspection, no constitution, legal buildings, governmental officials or anything resembling governmental structure was to be found. This further indicates the extent of Kringle’s anarchist beliefs.
Upon further genealogical research, we found that Peter Kropotkin, a “father” of anarcho-communism is a descendant of Russia’s Rurik dynasty, just like Santa Claus is.
Peter Kropotkin and Mikhil Bakunin, both famed anarchists, both wrote about St Nicholas.
However, the most mind-boggling conclusions were very recently uncovered, and very few have been shown these connections yet. Upon observation, we can firmly conclude that Santa’s coat is actually: red. Yes, an undeniable sign, the commie outwardly flaunts his bright red coat, pants, and hat almost all year round, especially on Christmas. The linkages and evidence are all too concrete to ignore.
So if I were you this holiday season, I would raise my guard and move my kids to safety from this giant red commie trying to break into our homes. And rather than attract the old elf with cookies, I’ll be leaving a delectable Joe McCarthy photo on the mantle (that oughta scare him away).
Merry Christmas and happy holidays MLHS!
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