I was a kid who loved to cry. Sometimes, I would cry for petty reasons, and other times, I would cry for more emotionally impactful reasons. Either way, once I started crying, I was unstoppable. As a result, my dad devised the regulatory technique of telling me to be a proper gentleman and stop crying. Because proper gentlemen do not cry. Ever since, crying in the presence of other people became my greatest fear.
Much later, in my freshman year of high school, I joined the cross country team. I wanted so badly to be friends with the varsity runners, who were some of the elite prides of my school. But perhaps either because I couldn’t run fast enough or because I wasn’t strong enough, I couldn’t bring myself to see them as my equals. Among them, I always felt a bit out of place.
I can only smile upon this experience now because as high school went on, I grew more open-minded. I made more friends outside of cross country, and I began to realize what really was important to me. In my sophomore year of high school, I joined the theatre club. There, I became part of a very compassionate group, and I learned more about my emotions than any class or sport could teach me. But outside of the theatre, I was still occasionally taunted as “a joke”—I suspect that this was because theatre is not traditionally viewed as a very manly activity.
I believe that what these three experiences all have in common is that they are all appendages of one body—toxic masculinity—that affects individuals across the gender spectrum. Toxic masculinity has afflicted society’s non-male groups and damaged the lives of many school-aged boys. But what exactly is it, and how did it grow to be so potent?
The Definition of Masculinity
Masculinity is defined by Wikipedia as the “set of traits usually associated with boys and men” that can be biologically or socially constructed. In the ancient Western world, to be masculine was to be strong, courageous, assertive, fertile, and independent—all traits exemplified by male warlords, rulers, and mythological figures. Do these characteristics sound familiar? If they do (and indeed they do to me), one thing is apparent throughout masculinity’s history: concepts of masculinity have largely remained the same since antiquity and have not kept pace with the times.
In fact, it appears that the opposite is true. Even with the arrival of social movements and international reckonings with gender identities, masculinity has devolved to its most toxic form, failing to address what remains of misogynistic attitudes and even resulting in the ruinous transformation of young men into school shooters and suicide victims. This is not to say that traditional masculine qualities are bad qualities; I actually think most of these qualities are valuable. But they can be very harmful when men take them to a toxic point. To explore how young men arrive to this point, we have to know what kind of social and emotional consequences toxic masculinity has on them.
When Masculinity Becomes Toxic
Ask a traditional man what masculinity means, and he’ll probably tell you that to be a man is to deny softness, empathy, and emotion while engaging in displays of power and strength. Using these traits to conceptualize manhood can have negative consequences on many of today’s male youths.
First, toxic masculinity robs boys of their ability to fully experience their emotions and give in to their vulnerabilities. When boys feel strong emotions, as all humans do, they are forbidden by masculine norms of toughness to express them by crying or even confiding in others. In my own experience, I have not only been told not to cry as a younger boy; now, as a more mature young adult, I can’t even bring myself to have vulnerable conversations with some of my male friends or even my own father.
This does not mean that I have unhealthy relationships with any of these people. It just means that among boys and men, emotional tenderness feels out of place because there is simply no place for it. Further, when boys are forced to refrain from emotional catharsis, serious mental health consequences can result: depression, substance abuse, and lack of self control are all behaviors that arise from emotional restraint. In order to be emotionally healthy, there must be room to express the full range of human emotions. Toxic masculinity constricts that room for boys.
Second, toxic masculinity challenges boys’ sexualities, driving them to commit sexually irresponsible behaviors and otherize non-straight males. Because old notions of masculinity place emphasis on fertility, young men who wish to conform strongly to masculine ideals feel the need to make advances on women and show sexual aggression, a phenomenon that is all too common in high school and university campuses (15% of females in high school and 26.4% of females in undergrad experience sexual assault, compared to 4.3% of males in high school and 6.8% of males in undergrad). Among my own friends, I’ve seen boys assess their own self worth by fighting over females and seeing “how many girls they could get with.” I’ve also often heard boys ranking girls on 1-10 scales of attractiveness. I didn’t agree with this system of thought, but I was too scared to express my disagreement and defy “the bro code.” Nobody defies “the bro code.”
But now, I regret my inaction because this behavior needlessly perpetuates the objectification of women while demoralizing men. This very same ideal of fertility has also espoused homophobic beliefs among men that challenge the masculinity of gay males. My own observation in school has been that boys will sometimes taunt other males for doing anything outside of the norm by calling them “gay,” not necessarily because their humiliation victims are indeed gay, but rather because calling them “gay” has the effect of emasculating them. This is evidence that toxic masculinity has constricted the definition of masculinity to deny dignity to homosexual men.
Third, the love of dominance in toxic masculinity pressures boys to put on aggressive displays in sports and everyday interactions. This not only alienates less aggressive and thus “less masculine” males, but also drives aggressive males to make risky choices. The effects are dismal. Among males, individuals who decide to pick a trivial fight may quickly find themselves in a dangerous (sometimes fatal) altercation, and such initially petty conflicts actually account for the majority of male deaths. The majority of drug users are men, as are the majority of drug overdose patients. Among those who commit or attempt suicide, there are four times as many males as females, not because males desire to commit suicide that much more than females, but because males resort to much deadlier tactics. Meanwhile, those who are taunted for not being masculine and aggressive enough lose self-esteem, and they avenge themselves by engaging in aggressive, often destructive behaviors like fighting, drinking, and enforcing their self-proclaimed power over others. These behaviors are manifested in violent men who, much more often than women, decide to commit violent crimes or end the lives of others.
While the male hormone testosterone is linked to higher levels of aggression, I don’t believe that any of the behaviors I just mentioned are biologically inherent in men. Just look at the diverse examples: the pacifist Quakers advocated for the highest levels of human dignity; the peaceful followers of Jainism strove to do no harm to any living thing; the loving hippies persisted in withdrawing soldiers from bloody war. Men were significant drivers of these movements. At the end of the day, all that this means is that the masculine traits that are harmful to men and society are culturally conditioned. To counter this conditioning, it is imperative that masculinity be reformed in a way that challenges antiquated masculine stereotypes, allows all men and boys to take pride in their unique selves, and truly acts in society’s best interest.
Looking to Feminism
Fortunately, boys and men can look to the successes of women and feminist movements as inspirations for bringing about this change. After all, a discussion of masculinity would not be complete without its feminine counterpart. One of the reasons that feminist movements were so socially successful is that they created new discussions of the female identity while subverting feminine stereotypes. Not only did they advocate for the equal treatment of women in social, political, economic, and personal contexts, but they also exposed rich perspectives on the unique experiences of womanhood, redefining femininity to match the more egalitarian and multicultural social attitudes of modern times.
As a result of feminist struggles, the world grew more accepting first of gender equality and next of females who did not want to express themselves as the traditional attractive, demure, child-rearing woman. The rise of female athletes—individuals who entered an overwhelmingly male-dominated field—is a quintessential example of this. Feminist thought also liberated non-straight women, whose sexualities conflicted with traditional feminine expectations. It is true that today’s new wave of “untraditional” females have not been entirely de-stigmatized. But if reforming masculinity follows in the same footsteps as feminism, we can at least realistically hope that society grows more accepting of “untraditional” males.
What to Takeaway?
The message that I want to express is simple but vital: males don’t have to be unfeeling, dominant, patriarchal, or homophobic. I have to admit, I’m not very sure at all of exactly how masculinity should be reformed. But I am sure of this: men, if we want to prove our manhood while preserving our honest human nature, we must stand up against toxic masculinity in all forms because toxic masculine practices are all too ubiquitous in our lives. We must not permit our peers to talk about those who do not identify as males in a degrading manner. We must not let our friends rank people on numerical, objectifying scales of attractiveness. We must not tolerate disrespectful tropes like “you’re so gay” that threaten certain people’s masculinity while disrespecting others. We must not be deterred by anyone to honestly express ourselves and stay emotionally healthy. By taking our stand in our classrooms, homes, and circles of friends, we can halt the spread of toxic masculinity and change masculinity for the better. And we had better. Because the toxicity is killing us.
1
1
Average Rating